Cast the new AFL pantomime!

This unofficial St Kilda Saints fan forum is for people of all ages to chat Saints Footy and all posts must be respectful.

Moderators: Saintsational Administrators, Saintsational Moderators

Post Reply
User avatar
White Winmar
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 5014
Joined: Tue 02 Jun 2009 10:02pm

Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1654685Post White Winmar »

The latest revelations about the WCE just shows us what a ridiculous pantomime the AFL has become. It bears no resemblance to a fair sporting competition. It has as much integrity and credibility as the WWE. It even has an Integrity Unit, which must be one of the most underworked departments in any organisation, anywhere in the world. In keeping with the theme, I'm pitching a new musical extravaganza, "AFL - La La Land!" I'm looking to cast the actors and support staff. I welcome all suggestions. Here are a few of mine.

Director - Gillon McLachlan. Indecisive, temperamental, thought by some (very few) to be a genius. Others are just bewildered as to how he got the top job. Good at following orders, which is not such a desireable quality in a director.

Producers - The dark lords, Fitzpatrick, Stokes and Murdoch. The unholy trinity. Stokes and Murdoch control output and disinformation through SWM and the HS, while Fitzpatrick controls McLachlan. Bialystock and Bloom have nothing on these crooks.

Investors - Sponsors, members and the great unwashed who trudge through the gates each week. Ever noticed how we hand over all our money each year, with only one out of eighteen groups receiving a dividend? What a great business. I'm afraid I can't promise you any returns on investing in this. Following the model on which the subject is based, you'll have to satisfy yourself with the joy of knowing you contributed to bringing this great work to the public.

Marketing and Publicity - Who else but Eddie 'Fat Head' Maguire? He has the chutzpah needed. Has named Colonwood as the greatest sporting club in the world. That's the sort of delusional dishonesty we need. We were considering Goebbels for the job, but even he blushed at some of Eddie's rhetoric.

Makeup - Whoever does Sam Newman's. Incredible.

Wardrobe - Roland Roccochielli, to add a bit of flair. If we can't get him, any number of players and associated WAG's who've started their own fashion label, or t-shirt, or underwear, or bikini line, or .........you get it. That should narrow it down to a few thousand.

CGI /Special Effects - No brainer, this one. The AFL Integrity Unit. Never in the history of mankind have so few, deceived so many, about so much. You've got to hand it to these guys. They could've got the Nazis off at Nuremberg. They make David Coperfield look like an amateur. Just keep them away from marketing. The IU has a habit of saying, "Move along, nothing to see here", while making things magically disappear. Wouldn't be good for business.

Stunt Co-ordination - the AFL's ground inspectors. No regard for safety. Always taking risks with player safety. Reckless as to outcomes. I like it! The out takes will be better than the real thing and will be worth a fortune as a separate DVD!

Special Advisor - Kevin Sheedy. If we can get him out of the Twilight Years Maximum Security Home For the Aged. No one will have a clue what he's on about, so the film critics will go nuts, searching for hidden meanings, allegories, metaphors, themes and such. David and Margaret will pronounce it a work of genius, because 98% of the population won't understand it and even fewer will want to watch it. We're sure to get it on the ABC, SBS, or at worst, Viceland.

Musical Score - Mike Brady, with Hunters and Collectors. Special guest appearance by Meatloaf.

The Plot.

The AFL is a wealthy magnate, who has inherited a vast family fortune. The business had humble beginnings in 1897, when eight adventurous souls broke away from the family entertainment business and went on their own. They changed the family name to VFL and the business was a roaring success from the beginning. It was meant to be seven of them originally, but they took pity on the family runt, the mercurial and troubled St.Kilda. They all had a soft spot for him, and were afraid he wouldn't survive on his own. He was troublesome, poor, highly emotional and unstable, but every so often he could produce some magic, which convinced the others to keep him on. The ratty struggler, Richmond, a petty thief, alcoholic and hopeless optimist returned to the fold in 1908. All was forgiven for the embarrassment he'd caused.

The studious one, University, came and went. Like a typically lazy student, he played along half heartedly, used the sibling's money and goodwill until the they had had enough. They tossed him out after the war. Speaking of which, the war did have its effect on the family business. Several of the siblings went to the Great War. Fortunately they all returned. Typically, St.Kilda was no good for ten years, suffering from shell shock.

In 1925, the family hired from outside for the first time. Business was booming and an affluent public lapped up its weekly dose of entertainment. And what entertainment it was! The critics loved it. "Combat without the bullets!" "The ballet of warriors" a truly 360 degree game". Of course there were dissenters. Typically, they came from the north. "Arial Ping Pong", they sneered. The new additions took time to settle and were very much the poor relations. It would take decades for them to pull their weight, but one, in particular, Hawthorn, was to become the star of the business. In the tough time of the depression and years around WW2, it was Collingwood, Essendon, Carlton, and the elitist snob, the family favourite of the time, Melbourne, that largely kept the business afloat. Post war, Fitzroy, South Melbourne and St.Kilda had all begun to struggle badly. It was a dark omen for the future. The country cousins, Geelong bobbed up for a couple of rare visits to the big smoke on GF day, surprising all with their polish and sophistication. For country folk, that is. Then one of the newbies emerged, snatching a flag, no one thought possible. The ruffian from the west, unfashionable, down trodden, working class Footscray, upset the elitist. It couldn't happen again, could it?

Hawthorn eventually saluted in 1961, a portent of things to come. Another twelve flags would follow in just fifty-five years. He was to become the envy of all the other partners. They tried to copy him, with only moderate and variable degrees of success. And then it happened. St.Kilda had been quietly been biding his time, secretly plotting his rise in the business. Hardly anyone noticed, but in the late 50's, he cleaned up his act. Off the booze, staying away from the party circuit, getting fit and restoring some self esteem, he crept up on the rest. He came close to top member in 1965. He learnt from his narrow failure and toppled the most successful brother in the business, Col, to finally stand on the peak. He had arrived. Surely more success would follow. Tragically, it did not. Half a century of heartbreak, near misses and stuff ups, saw St.Kilda return to type. Loveable, but tragic. The tragically ludicrous, the ludicrously tragic.

Then, in 1982, one of the original founding brothers died. It had been a slow, painful and lingering death, but in the end there was nothing that could be done. South Melbourne was pronounced dead, although, miraculously he was reborn as a beautiful swan in enemy territory. Sydney. With one cruel exception, the business decided it would never let another brother die. It put in place rules so ridiculously unfair and unbiased, that Sidney Swan could never do anything but succeed. Not all the brothers were happy. There was much complaining and grumbling behind closed doors. Only Collingwood complained bitterly in public, his inflated sense of self importance and lack of success combining to create an ever lasting torment. He was tearing himself apart with envy.

Meanwhile St.Kilda had fallen on really hard times. Too much partying, wine, beer, women and song had taken their toll. The bills had not been paid and the debt collector was at the door. He was consistently the worst performer in the business and the others had had enough, especially the family bully, Caaarlton. Would this be the end of St. Kilda? How would he get out of this one? Would he join his brother Sidney Swan as an interstate prostitute, bastard love child of the business? Tune in next week for the next thrilling instalment of AFL LaLa Land!


I started with nothing and I've got most of it left!
User avatar
White Winmar
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 5014
Joined: Tue 02 Jun 2009 10:02pm

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1654791Post White Winmar »

So I'm asking you all to help me cast the stars. We need 18 to play the clubs, with others to fill in the roles of the boss, the chairman and any other roles you care to think of. I'll start the ball rolling.

St.Kilda - Vince Collossimo. Touched greatness once in Hollywood, has been near the peak a few times, but ultimately too erratic and prone to the odd meltdown, as was evidenced by his recent drug charges. Eric Bana came to mind, but he's just been too damned successful and doesn't appear to have a dark side.

Hawthorn - Geoffrey Rush. Slow to start his career, but like the Hawks, hasn't he come good? Very few blips on the radar of what is now a stellar CV, right up there with the best of them. Everything he touches turns to gold. Lives in the area as well.

Footscray / WB - Ernie Sigley. Little Aussie battler, made good, who now makes his home in Kew and hasn't been back to Footscray for decades. If he's unavailable, we can get Les Twentyman to jump in.

Richmond - Bert Newton. Laugh a minute, beset by scandal and last did something notable in 1980.

Fitzroy - Bill Hunter. Solid, reliable, an old favourite and everyone's "second team". Like Fitzroy, has been dead for quite a while.

Essendon - Keith Richards. Drugs, drugs and more drugs. Fair bit of success, though.

Melbourne - Malcolm Turnbull. Elitist, foppish, indecisive, desperate to be liked. Supporters are known to be fickle, especially in snow season.

Collingwood - Russell Crowe. A legend in his own mind who rarely salutes. Solid enough body of work, but most of it is starting to look like ancient history. Hated by most, with a reputation as an arrogant prick. One for the fans only.

Carlton - Barry Humphries as Sir Les Patterson. Brash, crude, a complete mess, whose glory days are well behind him. A known cheat, liar, womaniser and drunk. Kulcha a real problem.

WCE - Gary Busey. Constantly coked to the eyeballs. Completely off his dial most of the time. Permanent damage has been done.

Fremantle - Philip Brady. A boring, no hit wonder and try hard.

Adelaide - Don Dunstan. Complete with pink hot pants.

Gold Coast - Clive Palmer. Flash across the landscape, only to disappear in a hail of failure.

GWS - Chris Hemsworth. Everyone's darling, especially the company's management. Manufactured artificially to look impossibly good and designed never to fail.

You get the drift. Now get to work forumites. We've got a show to put on!


I started with nothing and I've got most of it left!
User avatar
Enrico_Misso
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 11662
Joined: Tue 13 Jun 2006 12:11am
Location: Moorabbin Chapter of The Royal Society of Hagiographers
Has thanked: 315 times
Been thanked: 720 times

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1654798Post Enrico_Misso »

Benny Hill would have made an effective AFL President.
And when he wasn't making the big decisions (with THE music playing) he could amuse himself and the rest of the commission by chasing ladies around the MCG car park and standing outside the "women's" toilets blocking the "wo".


The rest of Australia can wander mask-free, socialise, eat out, no curfews, no zoning, no police rings of steel, no illogical inconsistent rules. 
They can even WATCH LIVE FOOTY!
Jacks Back
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 6492
Joined: Sat 11 Jun 2011 4:52pm
Location: Here
Has thanked: 1158 times
Been thanked: 442 times

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1654808Post Jacks Back »

Enrico_Misso wrote:Benny Hill would have made an effective AFL President.
And when he wasn't making the big decisions (with THE music playing) he could amuse himself and the rest of the commission by chasing ladies around the MCG car park and standing outside the "women's" toilets blocking the "wo".
:lol: :lol: :lol:


As ex-president Peter Summers said:
“If we are going to be a contender, we may as well plan to win the bloody thing.”


St Kilda - At least we have a Crest!
User avatar
White Winmar
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 5014
Joined: Tue 02 Jun 2009 10:02pm

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1654818Post White Winmar »

Enrico_Misso wrote:Benny Hill would have made an effective AFL President.
And when he wasn't making the big decisions (with THE music playing) he could amuse himself and the rest of the commission by chasing ladies around the MCG car park and standing outside the "women's" toilets blocking the "wo".
Gold! Consider him cast! :D :D :D


I started with nothing and I've got most of it left!
Jacks Back
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 6492
Joined: Sat 11 Jun 2011 4:52pm
Location: Here
Has thanked: 1158 times
Been thanked: 442 times

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1654908Post Jacks Back »

You've put a lot of thought into this WW so I can't really make a suggestion at this stage. Well done. I can't wait for next week's installment.


As ex-president Peter Summers said:
“If we are going to be a contender, we may as well plan to win the bloody thing.”


St Kilda - At least we have a Crest!
User avatar
Linton Lodger
SS Hall of Fame
Posts: 2467
Joined: Mon 18 Aug 2014 2:07pm
Has thanked: 86 times
Been thanked: 256 times

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1654969Post Linton Lodger »

The story needs a Ray Donovan type character, a Mr Fixit who operates out of an Italian Restaurant with s*** food but a good laundry and can fix things that cannot be fixed in convential ways. He can pay off rape victims and make sure drug providers stay stum.

I'm thinking Mick Gatto for that part.


User avatar
White Winmar
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 5014
Joined: Tue 02 Jun 2009 10:02pm

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1654984Post White Winmar »

Can we afford him, LL. Would come with a lot of demands. He would draw the crowds and viewers. He's in. He can be our Dusty. Expensive, but worth it.


I started with nothing and I've got most of it left!
User avatar
White Winmar
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 5014
Joined: Tue 02 Jun 2009 10:02pm

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1655439Post White Winmar »

Port Adelaide - The Snowtown murderers.

North Melbourne - The Kray twins. If not, the poor man's Kray twins, Brad and Chris Scott.

Brisbane - Paul Hogan. Big in his day, which is now but a distant memory. Probably never be relevant again.

AFLW - Lara Bingle. Looks good, but little skill or substance. Nobody really knows what her talent is. If not, Chrissie Swan. Looks terrible, little skill or substance and nobody really knows what her talent is.


I started with nothing and I've got most of it left!
User avatar
White Winmar
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 5014
Joined: Tue 02 Jun 2009 10:02pm

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1658189Post White Winmar »

And so the saga continues. We left you with the repossession merchants and creditors on our doorstep. Enter Lenny Wolf, the trucking magnate, who bails St.kilda out and pisses everyone else off in the process. St.Kilda survives. Just. Caaaarlton, the loudmouthed shitbag of the family is not happy. He makes an emotive, drunken rant at a family dinner, telling all who would listen that he was practising "tough love". How would St. Kilda ever learn if, " we didn't hold him to account", he bleated? The others stated the obvious when they told Caaaaarlton he was just being a c***. As always.

The other family members looked away nervously, knowing they needed St. Kilda if only to ensure an even draw without byes. St.Kilda survived. Just. The family knew it had to go national if it was to survive and thrive. So Brisbane, with a bear that wasn't a bear, as its mascot (didn't that foretell the future?) and the drug taking party boys from Perth were admitted. It wasn't going to end well. The bears were as lively and competitive as Koalas and the party boy Eagles, spent their first few summers on steroids, pumping themselves up, before graduating to recreational drugs. They were a constant headache to the family, but by living in Peth, they were out of sight and out of mind.

After a brief flirtation with the serial killers of Port Adelaide, the family allowed the other committers of weird sex crimes, Adelaide, into the fold. He was very strange indeed. Flamboyant, narcissistic and parochial. He seemed especially keen to dash St.Kilda's hopes of glory. Annoying little bastard, who after a brief flirtation with the top, retreated back into obscurity. His inbred cousin, Port Adelaide, delivered further pain to St. Kilda in denying him a shot at the top prize in 2004. Again, St.Kilda was close but did not get the cigar. A tired Brisbane, exhausted from years of AFL assisted success, conceded to the serial killer.

St.Kilda made one last bold bid to be the family champion. It was 2009 and as always, he came from seemingly nowhere to almost snatch the prize. Dominant all year, with the prize a formality, he controlled his inbred country cousin, only to cede the prize at the very last minute. A further challenge almost succeeded in 2010, but alas, the filthy brother, who'd been a serial failure, emerged from the shadows to deny St. Kilda again. He decided he was cursed. He would never become the apple of the family eye. His personal trainer, the dour and limited Ross Lyon left him at this lowest moment, to tend to another serial loser in the family, Fremantle. He was doomed, was Rossy. He just couldn't see it at the time.

The family went fully national in the following years. Despite all indications to the contrary, it thought it could make a Gold Coast member work. They were wrong and failed where everyone else had. It didn't help that they appointed a clueless hack as his mentor, then replaced him with an equally clueless hack whose relevance had long since disappeared. What of the other baby monster? This one showed real promise. Typical of the youngest in any family, this baby was showered with gifts, love and approval the others could only dream of. He soon became an arrogant overachiever, except when it mattered most. Preliminary final day. His older, scrappier and street smart sibling took him down. He'll be back, though. Narcissists don't take defeat well.

What of St.Kilda? Does he still harbor ambitions of reaching the top? Could he be bothered? It would appear he can be. A new personal trainer who finds St.kilda's work pleasing and positive has made a difference. He has employed managers who counter his personal flaws and historical faults. He is popular once again, both with the family (The patriarch is a fan, it is said) and his followers. The pesky regulators seemed determined to hold him back. Still, he will return home soon, to the scene of his greatest triumph. The prodigal son, indeed. When he does finally salute again, there will be a celebration the likes of which have never been seen before. The final episode will be a beauty!


I started with nothing and I've got most of it left!
User avatar
White Winmar
Saintsational Legend
Posts: 5014
Joined: Tue 02 Jun 2009 10:02pm

Re: Cast the new AFL pantomime!

Post: # 1658199Post White Winmar »

And so the saga continues. We left you with the repossession merchants and creditors on our doorstep. Enter Lenny Wolf, the trucking magnate, who bails St.kilda out and pisses everyone else off in the process. St.Kilda survives. Just. Caaaarlton, the loudmouthed shitbag of the family is not happy. He makes an emotive, drunken rant at a family dinner, telling all who would listen that he was practising "tough love". How would St. Kilda ever learn if, " we didn't hold him to account", he bleated? The others stated the obvious when they told Caaaaarlton he was just being a c***. As always.

The other family members looked away nervously, knowing they needed St. Kilda if only to ensure an even draw without byes. St.Kilda survived. Just. The family knew it had to go national if it was to survive and thrive. So Brisbane, with a bear that wasn't a bear, as its mascot (didn't that foretell the future?) and the drug taking party boys from Perth were admitted. It wasn't going to end well. The bears were as lively and competitive as Koalas and the party boy Eagles, spent their first few summers on steroids, pumping themselves up, before graduating to recreational drugs. They were a constant headache to the family, but by living in Peth, they were out of sight and out of mind.

After a brief flirtation with the serial killers of Port Adelaide, the family allowed the other committers of weird sex crimes, Adelaide, into the fold. He was very strange indeed. Flamboyant, narcissistic and parochial. He seemed especially keen to dash St.Kilda's hopes of glory. Annoying little bastard, who after a brief flirtation with the top, retreated back into obscurity. His inbred cousin, Port Adelaide, delivered further pain to St. Kilda in denying him a shot at the top prize in 2004. Again, St.Kilda was close but did not get the cigar. A tired Brisbane, exhausted from years of AFL assisted success, conceded to the serial killer.

St.Kilda made one last bold bid to be the family champion. It was 2009 and as always, he came from seemingly nowhere to almost snatch the prize. Dominant all year, with the prize a formality, he controlled his inbred country cousin, only to cede the prize at the very last minute. A further challenge almost succeeded in 2010, but alas, the filthy brother, who'd been a serial failure, emerged from the shadows to deny St. Kilda again. He decided he was cursed. He would never become the apple of the family eye. His personal trainer, the dour and limited Ross Lyon left him at this lowest moment, to tend to another serial loser in the family, Fremantle. He was doomed, was Rossy. He just couldn't see it at the time.

The family went fully national in the following years. Despite all indications to the contrary, it thought it could make a Gold Coast member work. They were wrong and failed where everyone else had. It didn't help that they appointed a clueless hack as his mentor, then replaced him with an equally clueless hack whose relevance had long since disappeared. What of the other baby monster? This one showed real promise. Typical of the youngest in any family, this baby was showered with gifts, love and approval the others could only dream of. He soon became an arrogant overachiever, except when it mattered most. Preliminary final day. His older, scrappier and street smart sibling took him down. He'll be back, though. Narcissists don't take defeat well.

What of St.Kilda? Does he still harbor ambitions of reaching the top? Could he be bothered? It would appear he can be. A new personal trainer who finds St.kilda's work pleasing and positive has made a difference. He has employed managers who counter his personal flaws and historical faults. He is popular once again, both with the family (The patriarch is a fan, it is said) and his followers. The pesky regulators seemed determined to hold him back. Still, he will return home soon, to the scene of his greatest triumph. The prodigal son, indeed. When he does finally salute again, there will be a celebration the likes of which have never been seen before. The final episode will be a beauty!


I started with nothing and I've got most of it left!
Post Reply